I’m back, in more ways than one. My year away from full-time work has come to a close, at least according to my (self-imposed) timeline. At this point in time, I’m supposed to be searching for a job. But what exactly do I want to do? I haven’t a clue. All I know is that I’m not going back to what I was doing before. That version of me has been kept away in the storeroom. I need a new avatar.

An old (HR recruiter) friend from Amsterdam, referring to my old job, said that I had “peaked too young”. This was no surprise – I knew I’d be in this place when first I took the job, years ago. I was way too young for it. I knew there’d come a time when I had to consider what comes afterwards. And I’ve achieved so much – j’suis un Chevalier (de l’ordre des arts et des lettres), quand même! I know the IMPACT I made: all my plans had been carefully strategised and painstakingly executed.

The only solution to “peaking too soon” – so another old friend tells me one evening at dinner – is to “begin again”. One can have more than one peak, so he said. Though this old friend also suggested I relax, not rush into things and above all, spend some time standing still and reflecting.

Because — admittedly – the year away wasn’t a break for me, at all. Not entirely. I mean, I declined quite a few major-ish once-off stints because I was really so tired and wanted so badly to disappear for a bit.

But I still ended up doing stacks. I travelled to so many places, particularly port cities I featured in my last book but which I hadn’t yet visited. I went in search of my ancestral roots. I “interned” informally at my publishers’ to explore if publishing might be the thing for me. Instead, I resumed writing a novel I’d left off working on for years, and managed to complete it – some 120,000 words!! I’m now (concurrently) trying to get it published

Yeah, I haven’t really paused.

“Why can’t you just sit still for a bit and do nothing??” Old Friend No. 2 asked. He remarked that I’d been fidgeting nonstop for almost half an hour since dinner began.

“Because if I do,” I replied, “I will then have to confront all the feelings I don’t want to confront, from my time in the last job – the years and years of trying to do so much with so little. Somewhere amidst all the battling, I lost sight of myself. I became a totally different person.

“Don’t you understand??” I added. “I’m free-falling! How do you keep still when you’re in free-fall??”

The one thing I loved most about my year away was time spent with family and old friends. Especially old friends I barely saw the whole time I was sucked up in the (toxic) vortex that was my old job. Time thus well-spent affords so much joy – I’m still catching up and I’ll continue to do so. It’s amazing how much wisdom one can glean from friends and family.

I’m restless.

I want to go back to work. Writing is a lonely business and besides, I’ve already finished my novel [Cheers to that!!!] I want to be part of something bigger. My friends and former colleagues think otherwise – they think I should slow down and really try to spend time doing nothing; to learn how to be lazy. Or keep on writing and creating, especially if there’s no particular rush for me to go back to work.

But how? Two weeks into finishing my novel, and having nothing at all to do, I’m already bored to tears!!

I’ve even started blogging again after disappearing for years on this blog. [OK – that was because I had to finish writing my last book. And after that book, I had to finish writing my novel. 😆]

I’ve decided I shall take all the advice I’ve been given: stand completely still and take it easy, even as I embark on a journey of reflection and discovery. I shall report back on this journey right here on DREAM OF A CITY. For starters, in the next few posts, I shall think about what I enjoyed doing at my previous job(s) and what I was very good at doing (even if I did not enjoy it) – advice courtesy of another friend and former colleague.

I started this blog thirteen years ago, when I was (similarly) in free-fall. My grand tour posts here resulted in my first book deal which, in turn, led directly to a job at the Museum. And after that, my choosing to be vulnerable in these (e-)pages helped me pull through major challenges in life and work.

Please don’t be mistaken. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a while, even if I’m still my usual restless, anxious, workaholic, slightly obsessive-compulsive self. But perhaps this is a good state of mind to be in – happily restless – as I go about a journey of transformation.

Organisational Transformation has always been one of my strongest skillsets, after all. So why shouldn’t I apply these principles to myself?

Along the way, I’d LOVE to hear how other professionals who’ve “peaked too soon” have found their way towards “beginning again”.

Here’s to new beginnings!